Tuesday, March 14, 2017

TLS Investigates: Are These 31 People Liars?

While surfing the web yesterday, I came across a startling discovery. Thirty one people had confessed to Texts From Last Night that they had slept with various celebrities. Normally not one to intrude into the personal lives of the rich and famous, but when almost three dozen people claim to have done the horizontal hokey pokey with some of the worlds most recognizable names, I have to investigate. No other organization had reported on these crazy accusations and the world demanded answers. So I did what any journalist would do in my situation: tweet at them. The results of this explosive look into the lives of A-listers will leave you speechless and searching for answers, because as of press time, no one has had the balls to respond to my queries, leading me to believe that the initial report from TFLN was beyond reproach. But feel free to draw your own conclusions as to what may have occurred between these regular people and the celebrities we look up to.






He looks like a swanky hotspot type of guy, so the assumption is yes, he did bang this lady.





Aubrey most likely in hiding because of her exposed tryst on an airplane. Or she just doesn't have a twitter account, so that's why I had to ask her former Parks and Rec co-star, Adam Scott. He has yet to reply.




He obviously has ginger pubes, and since most people are afraid of gingers, I'm betting the "friend of a friend" is actually the person making the claim.




Between getting down with Zach and coming in between two brothers, there is no chance this girl did not get wacky with Zach Galifinacky.




I believe this one 100 percent. Not to go all Texts from Last Night here, but when I was in college, a kid in my dorm went out with his girlfriend and they ran into the Weez on South Beach. Lets just say they got into a couple arguments that night back in the dorms over the worlds worst Son-in-Law.




Adam Richman got famous for eating food and getting fat. He definitely flys girls out to wherever he is so he can munch their box.




Hes fucked Katy Perry so I am not sure how much shame fucking him gives you, but the smart bet is he did indeed sleep with these two girls.




Never got into Trailer Park Boys so gonna need a response from them to confirm or deny this.




Jaime Kennedy had a good run in the late 90's/early 00s. Not sure why the girl is throwing shade at him here. Possible failed Xperiment?

UPDATE:  liked your Tweet
Mar 14:
has you having sex with a girl ever caused her to not be ok?
A like is as good as a confirmation in my book. Nice job on the sex, Jaime!




Movie is over rated. So is sex with their stars I bet. This did not happen.




If it was 1999 Tara Reid fucking and taking raunchy pics, sign me up. If its botched boob job star of Sharknado Tara Reid, no thank you. Tom Brady dodged a bullet with this one.




Carly Rae Jepsen is adorable. I like how this guy gets one night stood and has to say the sex was not that good. I bet he makes all the ladies toes curl.




Slam dunk that this happened. Next.




The amount of hotel room sex he has had followed by naked pics of the same girls is probably close to infinity billion.




I knew Community fans were freaks.




Way too specific for this not to have happened. Bruce isn't on Twitter and Demi hasn't tweeted in six months, so figured Ashton may have the inside track to confirming this rumor.





Of course he did. Next.




Saw them perform a couple years ago and the way my girlfriend looked at the whole band leads me to believe they make out with a lot of people. Probably don't fuck them since half their fans are like 14 but makeout seshes? All. Day. Long.




Bold claim to make. A lot of people are a downgrade from Demi Moore, even in her 50's so I'm guessing this girl rejected the guy making the claim and he just wants to shame her.




I'd break up with a girl who fucked the guy who made The Last Kiss, too.




If your wife fucks the lead singer of nickelback, would you get mad at her or just feel bad for her?




This sounds like what I imagine happens at every concert in the history of the world.




This girl was probably a stage five clinger so Aaron paid for her to get out of LA as soon as possible.




Finally! I got a couple responses to this one, just none from the man himself.





Hey lady, I'm not saying they don't but Americas need for answers is insatiable. I'm just doing the peoples bidding.




Yes. Gross, but yes.
UPDATE: We have our first confirmation!!!







Getting cuckolded by the Wu Tang Clan is not something I want on my bucket list.




Is this the same as moving to L.A. to try your hand in movies? Do you tell your friends, "Hey, I'm moving to California to date Betty Draper." Weird move.




I hear that "You Belong with Me" was about the mysterious Bruce. And of course she just sends plain old nudes in front of the mirror. Don't picture T Swizz as the bent over and spread cheek type of gal.




Just a casual "Woody Harrelson knocked up my ex and she got an abortion" claim.




Not sure why this lady was expecting his penis to be as long as his "armspan" but I bet a couple trannys in the Ann Arbor area could also confirm.




Never watched the show, but once banged a girl who owned a "Bazinga" shirt so I'm sure the cast gets their fair share.

So, as you can see, I have gone hard after the celebrities in the hope they can shed some light on the highly provocative claims made by the TFLN article. Any little comment by the stars can hurt their brand, so my guess is the world shall never know if these thirty one people brave enough to come forward are telling the truth.













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