Katie Holmes Says Daughter Suri was "Hurt" by Trump Winning.

Katie Holmes was on Jenna Bush Hagers SiruisXM show recently and had this to say about last years election: 

"I know I thought Hillary was going to win this year, and it just hurt so badly when she didn't. And I know that it hurt my child so much as a 10 year old," Holmes revealed on Tuesday afternoon.

 Now, I have nothing against Katie Holmes. Joey Potter may have been my all time favorite WB girl. But you know who I don't feel bad for at all in the wake of the election? Nobody actually. Whatever your feelings are about Trump, you just gotta suck it up and deal for at least four years. But if I were to pick a person  to not feel sorry for, Suri Cruise would have to be near the top of the list. Can't imagine a 10 year old having a better set up in life. It's just the facts, jack. Anything she wants is at her fingertips and all because a High Level Thetan decided to slum it with a Suppressive. Good for her on hitting the genetic PowerBall. I think she is probably the celebrity child who will go through the least amount of stress in life. Tom Brady and Giseles kids may give her a run for her money but if you had a chance to be any 10 year old in the world, I can't imagine picking someone other than Suri Cruise. Access to the best education? Check. Two world famous super attractive parents worth close to a billion dollars? Check. Did I mention her parents are Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes? I did? Oh ok. You get my point. The only reason the election "hurt" Suri is because her mother made it a big deal. When I was 10, George Bush the First was elected president. At least I think he was, because I was too busy playing pretend baseball in my backyard to give a shit about politics.

Tom Brady Thinks He Can Play 6-7 More Years. LETS GO!

The NFLs annual league meeting is taking place this week and Patriots owner Bob Kraft talked to reporters for about fifteen minutes. During the session, Kraft mentioned talking with his QB Tom Brady recently and that Brady said he feels like he can play another 6-7 years. Yes, please. Now, obviously just because he thinks he can play that long does not mean he will. But that won't stop me from dreaming about it because what is my life if TB12 isn't in it? Don't answer that because I never want to find out. For the past 16 years I have watched the most handsome man in the world play quarterback better than just about anyone else has ever played it. I don't want it to stop. Between Brady and Drew Bledsoe, the Pats have had a steady diet of above average to GOAT play at the QB position for two and a half decades! New England fans got a taste of bad QB play last season when Jacoby Brissett was forced into action for 2 plus games after Jimmy G got hurt. Gotta tell ya, it was not enjoyable. That's why Brady needs to play as long as possible. I've seen the grass on other lawns and its shit brown.

Netflix Gets Rid of Stars, Adds Thumbs

Netfllix announced last week that they are changing up the way they do user reviews. They are eliminating the star-based system(1-5) and switching it to a simple thumbs up/thumbs down scale. Their reasoning is based on a study done last year where they found out users were 200% more likely to rate a title when faced with just the up or down vote, as opposed to having five option with the star method. The new method will also "match" you with titles the company feels you will like based on your viewing history. I don't see an issue with the new rating system because I put zero stock into any of the ratings on Netflix anyways. Something tells me the Kevin James Netflix Original "True Memoirs of an International Assassin"  is not a 4-star masterpiece. I'm also really shocked to see the 5 star reviewed "SkipTrace," a buddy cop comedy featuring Jackie Chan as a Hong Kong detective who teams up with American gambler Johnny Knoxville to help find his partners killer was skipped over during awards season. So to me at least, the change will be minimal. What gets me about the study, however, is how it proves just how lazy Americans are. Being 200% more likely to vote when given one option as opposed to five is just the height of laziness and makes me more proud to be an American than ever before. Imagine all the people on their couches trying to decide whether or not "Johnny English:Reborn," is worth 4 or 5 stars but can't bring themselves to make the effort to fill out that many stars so they settle on 1, thereby ruining the resume of one Rowan Atkinson. The new method makes that worry obsolete. God bless America.

St. Patrick's Day Hot Take

Growing up in Boston, its tough to not be immersed in Irish culture at some point in your life. As someone who is  half Irish and half Italian I got it more than most. That being said, I am what you may call a self -loathing Irishman. Sure, I love St. Patrick's Day in the sense that anyone can get black out drunk and its all chalked up to good fun. However, everything else to do with Irish culture I hate. I feel bad for anyone who I have ever seen wearing an Irish sweater. Those things are the most uncomfortable pieces of shit in the world. Are you hungry? Well hopefully you aren't around an Irish person or else you better like grey meat and soaking wet carrots. YUM! Seriously, a "boiled dinner" is the most disgusting description of food I have ever read. Do you like a lot of unintelligible noise crashing into your ears? Then turn up the Irish tunes! Never has any noise been more annoying to me than Irish "music." And while I have never made a trip to the "mother country" every picture of Ireland is the same. Its either a bunch of people on a hill who looked like they walked way too far to take the picture or its a goat walking through downtown Dublin.  But, Happy St. Patricks Day! Car bombs for all!

The Extendable Gas Hose is a Game-Changer.

Every so often something comes along and makes you think "Why did it take so long for this to be invented?" Take the vanilla Frosty from Wendy's as an example. The chocolate one had been around for like a million years and it took until 2006 for the sweet sweet vanilla to finally touch my lips. You can add another item to this list because I went to the gas station by my house the other day and was floored by what I saw:

An extendable gas hose! Seriously, how has it taken until 2017 for this to be a thing. Its not like gas stations had to wait for new technology. This shit should have been available at the first gas station ever built. Just an unbelievable innovation in the gas game. This is still the only gas station I have seen this at, so I will only be buying gas from here. Now that I know I can pull into this place without my dumb brain having to think about what side to go to, I'm not sure I can ever go to another gas station again. Whats the point? Short of a cure for all deadly diseases, the extendable gas hose will be the greatest thing 2017 ever produces. What a time to be alive.

TLS Investigates: Are These 31 People Liars?

While surfing the web yesterday, I came across a startling discovery. Thirty one people had confessed to Texts From Last Night that they had slept with various celebrities. Normally not one to intrude into the personal lives of the rich and famous, but when almost three dozen people claim to have done the horizontal hokey pokey with some of the worlds most recognizable names, I have to investigate. No other organization had reported on these crazy accusations and the world demanded answers. So I did what any journalist would do in my situation: tweet at them. The results of this explosive look into the lives of A-listers will leave you speechless and searching for answers, because as of press time, no one has had the balls to respond to my queries, leading me to believe that the initial report from TFLN was beyond reproach. But feel free to draw your own conclusions as to what may have occurred between these regular people and the celebrities we look up to.

Has the Game of Thrones Ice Melted Yet?

I don't know the exact moment when every announcement had to become a spectacle so I am going to just blame LeBron James for what happened with the Game of Thrones Season 7 premiere date reveal today. Before he went up on stage to tell Jim Gray he was taking his talents to South Beach, everybody handled big announcements the same way: a press release. But egomaniac LeBron had to fuck it up for the rest of eternity and now every announcement is a grand production designed to keep people in suspense until the last possible moment. Is it fair to blame an NBA player for what HBO did today? I don't know, and frankly don't care. But I need someone to blame for me watching ice melt for over 25 minutes  and LeBron is a good a person as any to assign it to. For Christs sake, HBO, what the hell was that? Take some of the millions you gave Simmons and maybe do a couple test runs on melting the ice before you subject 100K people to that abomination of a live feed. Don't get me wrong, I watched it way longer than I should have, but even a die hard such as myself threw in the towel after the second feed went dark. It felt like HBO was going to keep this thing going until the new season actually starts July 16th. Can't wait to see what they do when they tell us when Curb is coming back.

What is the Protocol for Hitting on a Homeless Chick?

For the past year and a half, my commute has brought me through Downtown Crossing. While walking through the corridor that leads to the Ashmont/Braintree platform, I have noticed the rarest of  rare sights: an attractive homeless chick. She sits Indian-style up against the wall facing the stairs that come down from the Orange Line. I have seen her there almost every day for 2 years, except for when she had a baby. But now that her sign reads "Young and Homeless" instead of "Pregnant and Homeless," the question is, what is the protocol for hitting on homeless chicks? Do you just sit down on the ground next to them and start a conversation? I have seen her talking to people before so I know she is capable of holding a conversation. I am guessing she is a runaway and just needs a helping hand/dick. Is it even worth it to hit on a homeless girl? If she is like most every other girl I have tried to fuck, she will reject me. Getting turned down by a girl who uses cardboard as a pillow would definitely put me in the express lane to Blowmybrainsoutville. This girl has some good qualities to her however so a pro/con list is in order for me to decide whether or not I should try and bag the bag lady.

Pro: Easily the hottest homeless chick I have ever seen.
Con: That still only makes her like a regular chick 5. 6 at most.

Pro: Seems to have a freckly face and red hair, quality traits in my book.
Con: Possibility she has not showered in 3 years and has a permanent "rusty" look to her.

Pro: Always has a different book by her side, so she knows how to read.
Con: Could have just stolen the books to use the pages as toilet paper.

Pro: Was once pregnant, so you  know she fucks.
Con: God only knows what happened to that baby.

This is uncharted territory. I don't know of anyone that has ever hit on a homeless chick. There is probably a good reason for that and the fact that this cute little dirty ginger could very well be a baby murderer is enough to keep me away. Also my girlfriend would kill me if I brought home a homeless chick.

Must Find Jenny from White Houses

Last night while I was stuck working, Vanessa Carlton played a show at the Sinclair Theater in Cambridge. Not a big deal in and of itself, but today VC drops a bomb on her Instagram page. Just her and Jenny from White Houses hanging out backstage. To anyone that knows me, my affection for Ms. Carlton and that song in particular is very strong. Say what you want about me, but that song is catchy as fuck and there is something about Vanessa doing ballerina dances while singing about getting dicked down for the first time that gets me going. I have probably heard that song close to a hundred thousand times and have always wondered about the Jenny who does the screaming out while its no pose. Now I know what she looks like and am pissed that I didn't go to the show last night. If you're wondering why her number one fan didn't go its because I saw her a couple years ago in Natick and pretty sure I scared her at the meet and greet afterwards. Not totally positive that my picture wasn't posted somewhere in the Sinclair box office with specific instructions to not let me in. Just kidding, but I did tell her I loved her to her face and nothing that happens in the future with regards to Vanessa will ever top that. Also, like I said, I had to work. Knowing that Jenny probably lives in Boston is a big boost to my chances of actually meeting HER now. So that is my mission. Meet Jenny from White Houses and find out all about what happened that summer many years ago. For all the haters, try to tell me this song isn't catchy as fuck:

 

26 Year Old Nurse Gives 100 Year Old Man a Lap Dance, Promptly Fired

I don't wanna die. I really like living and all the benefits that not being dead provides. On the flip side of that, I don't want to live to be 100 years old either. I have a hard enough time washing my feet in the shower at the age of thirty-eight. I can't imagine moving around gets any easier going forward. The thought of being in a wheelchair unable to move, staring blankly into space with a nurse force feeding me apple sauce and prune juice is unbearable. I say just put me out of my misery around eighty-seven. Its a long life, but not too long that your body totally betrays you and you start pooping yourself again. I am going to tell my future children that instead of changing my diaper they can just put a bullet in my head.Once life comes full circle I am out. However, if I am unfortunate enough to live to the ripe old age of one-hundred, I hope this ladys grand-daughter is my nurse. Girl was born when the guy was seventy-four and she out there giving lap dances in the nursing home. What a hero. Shame on the people who are mad at this women. They say in the article the man indicated he was not interested in the lap dance. It was something, "he didn't want at all." I call bullshit. They don't say how he indicated his displeasure which says to me that he probably looked all nervous to the other nurses because he shit his pants while Hotty McNurse is mooning him and pretending to finger bang herself. This nurse should be getting a raise, not a pink slip.

David Price is Going to See James Andrews. That's a Good Sign.

In every group of friends there is one person who, when mentioned, makes everyone groan in disapproval. Whether it is because they are a Debbie Downer, a one-upper or just a straight up dickhead, the mere thought of interacting with this person is downright awful. I imagine that is what its like when athletes are told they need to see Dr. James Andrews. Has any athlete ever gone to see him and received a positive result? Not that I can think of. That's why this story is so goddamn depressing. No way David Price isn't missing the next year plus. He didn't exactly endear himself to Red Sox fans last season but I had high hopes for him this year. Look what Pretty Ricky did his second year in Boston and Porcello doesn't have half the resume that Price does. Not saying I thought he was going to win the Cy Young, but his first season with the BoSox wasn't nearly as bad as people would have you believe. He won 17 games and had a ton of strikeouts and gave Sox fans a glimpse of what he was possible of doing in the middle months of the season. But after his fourth start he had an ERA over 7, and that paved the way for how he was covered the rest of the season. The fact he was awful in his only post season start didn't help matters any. Regardless, here's hoping that the team is just being cautious with their 217 million dollar pitcher, but when manager John Farrell is giving out "We are concerned," quotes, it looks like we won't be seeing Price again until the 2018 season.

How Has Rogue Sriracha Hot Stout Gone Unnoticed This Long

Shopping at the Fruit Center tonight, I came across this beauty. Sriracha and beer, two things I hold so dear, coming together to bless taste buds throughout this great country of ours. There was only one left on the shelf and the smoke of a beer attendant informed me that they had been flying off the shelves all day. I had never seen or even heard of this before, but a quick Google search informed me  it has been around at least a couple of years. Very disappointed in myself for not knowing this. I am usually up to date on all things beer and sriracha so to find out about this 2 years after the fact is a huge hit to the ego. As for the beer itself, its pretty good. Smells like your average stout. Tastes like your average stout at first, and then a couple moments after the spice hits your lips for a very pleasant after taste. The spices stays in your mouth for a while too, so if you are like me and put sriracha on anything and everything, this stout should serve you well. Now if the could only find a way to incorporate cheese into it, I would be able to get all my nutritional needs in one bottle.

Jimmy Butler and Paul George Will Not Be Walking Through That Door.

I'd like to thank Rick Pitino for that headline.Anyways, three o'clock this afternoon came and went without the Celtics making any trades. I am ok with them not moving anybody. The team they have now has been  the second best team in the East, and have never really been fully healthy. I'm not expecting Avery Bradleys hopeful return this Friday to turn them into Cleveland, but his 18 points and 7 rebounds per game can only help. This team is not winning a title this year, or next even, without improving on their rebounding, an obvious deficiency. At some point, this glaring hole needs to be filled. Maybe Al Horford brings his game back down low and returns to being the almost 9 rebounds per game player the Celtics thought they signed. I like Horford and the Celtics are definitely a better team with him, but at some point he has to stop playing outside and become a presence on the glass. If the draft and free agency come and go and the Celtics are still relying on Amir Johnson as their big man, my attitude towards Danny Ainges approach may change.

MLB Wants to Quicken Pace of Games, Gets Rid of Intentional Walk Pitches, Keeps Infinite Pitching Changes.

Major League Baseball is apparently doing away with the need for four pitches during an intentional walk and allowing managers to give a sign to the ump that they are giving the batter the free base. This is being done in an attempt to make the games play faster, but how much time are they really saving? Baseball had just .38 intentional walks per game last season, so its not like the minute or two that an IBB takes was causing some games to go as long as 3.5-4 hours. If they really wanna speed up the games, they should limit the amount of pitching changes per inning. Nothing slows down a game more than a manager waddling out to the mound 4 times in 8 minutes to get the right match-ups.Whereas the IBB rule is just an attempt to make it look like MLB is doing something to speed up the games and keep their audiences engaged, limiting pitching changes could drastically speed the game up. The only proof I need to back me up is my eyes. I've seen enough managers plod their way out to the mound 5 times in an inning to know that one of those trips back and forth take a lot longer than 4 wasted pitches. Or, if the really wanted to speed up the game, they could enforce the rules they put in place a couple years ago in regards to time between pitches and leaving the batters box. That would help, too.

What the Fuck Smells in My Fridge?

I opened my fridge today and got nailed in the face with a horrible stench. It was like Shawn Michaels was waiting inside and when I opened the door, BAM! Shit sandwich superkick to the face. After looking at the contents of the fridge, I have narrowed down the potential culprits. I will list the odds for each food item and then smell each one, and figure out just what exactly is producing that foul smell.

Magic Johnson to Take Over the Lakers Front Office

Jeanie Buss brought the hammer down today, firing Mitch Kupchak as GM and relieving her brother, Jim, of his executive vice president role as well. Since hiring Magic Johnson a couple weeks ago as an adviser, this move by the Lakers Governor doesn't come as much of a surprise. Johnson will take as the new president of basketball operations. I'm sure Lakers fans are ecstatic over the move. And analyzing Johnsons tweets referencing basketball moves over the last few years, I can't say I blame them. Just last May, Magic tweeted out in back to back posts that the Lakers should go after Kevin Durant and Lebron James in free agency. Who would ever think that targeting the top two potential free agents would be a sound business strategy? If he suggests to Jeanie Buss that they should place a call to Steph Curry or Blake Griffin this summer, she should double his salary. Who can ever forget his tweet from March 2014 in which he says the only way the Heat or Spurs wouldn't win the Finals that season is if they didn't make it. That's some NBA moneyball type shit right there. The rest of the NBA should take notice, the Lakers are back!

George "The Animal" Steele Passes Away

The WWE has lost a legend today. George "The Animal" Steele has passed away at the age of 79. Though he played a baboon on tv, Steele was actually one of the smartest people in the business. He had a Masters degree and was a Detroit area high school wrestling coach when the WWE came calling in the 1960s. For two decades he was one of the biggest heels in the biz, before turning face and fighting Macho Man Randy Savage over the honor of Miss Elizabeth during the wrestling heydey of the 1980s. Known for his green tongue and a penchant for eating turnbuckles, Steele was one of the most beloved WWE superstars of all time and was inducted into the company's Hall of Fame in 1995. Rest in peace, Animal.

Robert DeNiro is an Anti Vaxxer and Plans to Give Away All his Rocky and Bullwinkle Money

I know Jenny McCarthy gets a lot of the "credit" for the leading the charge against vaccines, but the anti-vaxxers have been around since at least the 90's and besides, if you are listening to medical advice from a Playmate, you're an idiot. Don't get me wrong, between Jenny and Anna Nicole Smith 1994 was a very busy year for me, but I'm only looking for her help with my knuckle children, not my real ones. Where was I? Oh yeah, Robert DeNiro took part in a press conference yesterday with Bobby Kennedy, Jr in which they talked about how giving vaccines to children can cause autism. Despite the fact that there is no validity to these claims, Kennedy and DeNiro were there to announce a $100,000 reward for anyone who can "prove the safety" of vaccinations. My lucky day! Here you go, guys! You can make the check payable to cash.

In all honesty, if you believe that vaccines are bad, you are a fucking moron. The reason measles, mumps and rubella are pretty much non-existent now is because of the vaccines. I don't even know what the fuck rubella is, all I know is that I got a shot for it years ago and now don't have to worry about it. When you see cases of the goddamn measles popping up throughout the country, it is because the idiotic majority believe that they know better than the scientific community. There was an outbreak of the mumps in the NHL a couple years ago. The fucking mumps! Bottom line, refusing to vaccinate your children is abuse and it puts other children in harms way. Don't be an idiot.

Darrelle Revis Charged With a Bunch of Stuff

I don't know about you but I can't imagine what it would be like to be walking down the street, have some kid ask me if I am who I am, and then when I answer yes, he pulls out his phone and starts recording me. Not sure I would be a big fan of it. Then again, I am not one of the best cornerbacks of all time either so nobody is rushing down the street to take iPhone videos of me. And that's why the charges against Jets CB Darrelle Revis need to be taken with a grain of salt. I've already seen calls for him to be cut, but I think this is a time where we really have to let the legal process play out. Just looking at the police statement, nothing in it implies that Revis was the aggressor. It does say he snatched the phone out of the guys hand, but this was after he had been videotaped for however long. The dude is entitled to his life, let him live it. The list of charges are also pretty funny too. According to the statement released by police, he is being charged with "robbery, terroristic threats, conspiracy and aggravated assault." I know one of those are fake because the red squiggly line shows up under "terroristic."Not sure what the conspiracy or the robbery was, but I bet a couple of those get dropped or altered as the investigation trudges forward. Don't know what to make of any of this, but Revis's lawyer communicated with Mike Garafolo of NFL.com and basically said that a bunch of guys were walking down the street by Revis and a couple of them got a little too rowdy. Apparently Darrelle had to go to the hospital to have his injuries looked at. Obviously the truth lies somewhere in the middle, but until everything gets played out, everyone on their high horses should relax. Everyone has a right to privacy and should be allowed to protect it. Even if they did leave a Super Bowl champ for the Jets.

Big Baby is Upset at Doc Rivers and it Doesn't Sound Like Sour Grapes AT ALL.

To start off, I just wanna say I am not the biggest fan of Doc Rivers. Sure, he helped lead the Celtics to the '08 title and brought them to a Game 7 two years later. But seriously, how hard is it to get to the Finals two out of three years when you have the Truth, KG and Ray Ray playing near their peaks? I've always felt that Doc got a bit too much credit for those teams success and then fled to the Clippers at the first sight of a rebuild, new 5 year contract be damned. That being said, Big Baby's recent comments on Chris Broussards' podcast come off as nothing more than sour grapes to me. I've only read this post about it on Boston.com so there may be some context missing, but Baby doesn't hold back in his criticism of the man who coached him for the majority of his career. Lets take a look at what he had to say quote by quote.

The Doctor Who Mistakenly Told Kelly Clarkson She Had Cancer is Dead to Me.

Poor Kelly. Poor, poor, Kelly. My sweet Clarks. I wish you told me sooner. I remember watching the 2006 Grammys and thinking to myself, "Hmm, Kelly seems a bit off today. I wonder if she was mistakenly told she has cancer this morning." I wish I was wrong when you won for "Since You've Been Gone." Seriously though, the balls on this doctor. Having "You have cancer, enjoy the Grammys!" turn into "Oops, my bad, this OTHER person has cancer," is some fucked up shit. Kelly is up on stage worrying her tits off that she might have to literally lose her tits while some other woman is sipping Mai Tais while her lymph nodes are metastasizing. You disgust me, Dr. Itsnotatumor. Burn in hell.

Adam Silver for President

This story is a month old but if it happens, the NBA can have all my money. The last five minutes of an NBA game are the only five minutes people should watch. I love the Celtics but I know the game isn't going to get decided until the last half of the fourth quarter.  My math could be a little off, but I am pretty sure that over 90 percent of all NBA games are just a set of runs. Up 12, tied, down 9, up 6 etc., etc., until Isaiah Thomas hits a 3 to put the Celtics up for good. There is no good reason for this not to happen, and unlike other commissioners, Adam Silver listens to his leagues fans. The sooner this happens, the better.

 

BREAKING NEWS: CARSON PALMER COMING BACK TO SUCK NEXT YEAR

The title may be a little harsh. Palmer hasn't exactly sucked during his time with the Cardinals. But the news that he is coming back for next season makes me happy. There is nothing better than watching a Carson Palmer late game meltdown. The joy I experience while he walks off the field looking up at the replay of his third 4th quarter interception is unmatched. To know that I will be able to witness that kind of excitement again for a full season* is the kind of thing that keeps me waking up in the morning.

*Or until his Week 3 knee injury.