Katie Holmes Says Daughter Suri was "Hurt" by Trump Winning.

Katie Holmes was on Jenna Bush Hagers SiruisXM show recently and had this to say about last years election: 

"I know I thought Hillary was going to win this year, and it just hurt so badly when she didn't. And I know that it hurt my child so much as a 10 year old," Holmes revealed on Tuesday afternoon.

 Now, I have nothing against Katie Holmes. Joey Potter may have been my all time favorite WB girl. But you know who I don't feel bad for at all in the wake of the election? Nobody actually. Whatever your feelings are about Trump, you just gotta suck it up and deal for at least four years. But if I were to pick a person  to not feel sorry for, Suri Cruise would have to be near the top of the list. Can't imagine a 10 year old having a better set up in life. It's just the facts, jack. Anything she wants is at her fingertips and all because a High Level Thetan decided to slum it with a Suppressive. Good for her on hitting the genetic PowerBall. I think she is probably the celebrity child who will go through the least amount of stress in life. Tom Brady and Giseles kids may give her a run for her money but if you had a chance to be any 10 year old in the world, I can't imagine picking someone other than Suri Cruise. Access to the best education? Check. Two world famous super attractive parents worth close to a billion dollars? Check. Did I mention her parents are Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes? I did? Oh ok. You get my point. The only reason the election "hurt" Suri is because her mother made it a big deal. When I was 10, George Bush the First was elected president. At least I think he was, because I was too busy playing pretend baseball in my backyard to give a shit about politics.

Tom Brady Thinks He Can Play 6-7 More Years. LETS GO!

The NFLs annual league meeting is taking place this week and Patriots owner Bob Kraft talked to reporters for about fifteen minutes. During the session, Kraft mentioned talking with his QB Tom Brady recently and that Brady said he feels like he can play another 6-7 years. Yes, please. Now, obviously just because he thinks he can play that long does not mean he will. But that won't stop me from dreaming about it because what is my life if TB12 isn't in it? Don't answer that because I never want to find out. For the past 16 years I have watched the most handsome man in the world play quarterback better than just about anyone else has ever played it. I don't want it to stop. Between Brady and Drew Bledsoe, the Pats have had a steady diet of above average to GOAT play at the QB position for two and a half decades! New England fans got a taste of bad QB play last season when Jacoby Brissett was forced into action for 2 plus games after Jimmy G got hurt. Gotta tell ya, it was not enjoyable. That's why Brady needs to play as long as possible. I've seen the grass on other lawns and its shit brown.

Netflix Gets Rid of Stars, Adds Thumbs

Netfllix announced last week that they are changing up the way they do user reviews. They are eliminating the star-based system(1-5) and switching it to a simple thumbs up/thumbs down scale. Their reasoning is based on a study done last year where they found out users were 200% more likely to rate a title when faced with just the up or down vote, as opposed to having five option with the star method. The new method will also "match" you with titles the company feels you will like based on your viewing history. I don't see an issue with the new rating system because I put zero stock into any of the ratings on Netflix anyways. Something tells me the Kevin James Netflix Original "True Memoirs of an International Assassin"  is not a 4-star masterpiece. I'm also really shocked to see the 5 star reviewed "SkipTrace," a buddy cop comedy featuring Jackie Chan as a Hong Kong detective who teams up with American gambler Johnny Knoxville to help find his partners killer was skipped over during awards season. So to me at least, the change will be minimal. What gets me about the study, however, is how it proves just how lazy Americans are. Being 200% more likely to vote when given one option as opposed to five is just the height of laziness and makes me more proud to be an American than ever before. Imagine all the people on their couches trying to decide whether or not "Johnny English:Reborn," is worth 4 or 5 stars but can't bring themselves to make the effort to fill out that many stars so they settle on 1, thereby ruining the resume of one Rowan Atkinson. The new method makes that worry obsolete. God bless America.

St. Patrick's Day Hot Take

Growing up in Boston, its tough to not be immersed in Irish culture at some point in your life. As someone who is  half Irish and half Italian I got it more than most. That being said, I am what you may call a self -loathing Irishman. Sure, I love St. Patrick's Day in the sense that anyone can get black out drunk and its all chalked up to good fun. However, everything else to do with Irish culture I hate. I feel bad for anyone who I have ever seen wearing an Irish sweater. Those things are the most uncomfortable pieces of shit in the world. Are you hungry? Well hopefully you aren't around an Irish person or else you better like grey meat and soaking wet carrots. YUM! Seriously, a "boiled dinner" is the most disgusting description of food I have ever read. Do you like a lot of unintelligible noise crashing into your ears? Then turn up the Irish tunes! Never has any noise been more annoying to me than Irish "music." And while I have never made a trip to the "mother country" every picture of Ireland is the same. Its either a bunch of people on a hill who looked like they walked way too far to take the picture or its a goat walking through downtown Dublin.  But, Happy St. Patricks Day! Car bombs for all!

The Extendable Gas Hose is a Game-Changer.

Every so often something comes along and makes you think "Why did it take so long for this to be invented?" Take the vanilla Frosty from Wendy's as an example. The chocolate one had been around for like a million years and it took until 2006 for the sweet sweet vanilla to finally touch my lips. You can add another item to this list because I went to the gas station by my house the other day and was floored by what I saw:

An extendable gas hose! Seriously, how has it taken until 2017 for this to be a thing. Its not like gas stations had to wait for new technology. This shit should have been available at the first gas station ever built. Just an unbelievable innovation in the gas game. This is still the only gas station I have seen this at, so I will only be buying gas from here. Now that I know I can pull into this place without my dumb brain having to think about what side to go to, I'm not sure I can ever go to another gas station again. Whats the point? Short of a cure for all deadly diseases, the extendable gas hose will be the greatest thing 2017 ever produces. What a time to be alive.

TLS Investigates: Are These 31 People Liars?

While surfing the web yesterday, I came across a startling discovery. Thirty one people had confessed to Texts From Last Night that they had slept with various celebrities. Normally not one to intrude into the personal lives of the rich and famous, but when almost three dozen people claim to have done the horizontal hokey pokey with some of the worlds most recognizable names, I have to investigate. No other organization had reported on these crazy accusations and the world demanded answers. So I did what any journalist would do in my situation: tweet at them. The results of this explosive look into the lives of A-listers will leave you speechless and searching for answers, because as of press time, no one has had the balls to respond to my queries, leading me to believe that the initial report from TFLN was beyond reproach. But feel free to draw your own conclusions as to what may have occurred between these regular people and the celebrities we look up to.

Has the Game of Thrones Ice Melted Yet?

I don't know the exact moment when every announcement had to become a spectacle so I am going to just blame LeBron James for what happened with the Game of Thrones Season 7 premiere date reveal today. Before he went up on stage to tell Jim Gray he was taking his talents to South Beach, everybody handled big announcements the same way: a press release. But egomaniac LeBron had to fuck it up for the rest of eternity and now every announcement is a grand production designed to keep people in suspense until the last possible moment. Is it fair to blame an NBA player for what HBO did today? I don't know, and frankly don't care. But I need someone to blame for me watching ice melt for over 25 minutes  and LeBron is a good a person as any to assign it to. For Christs sake, HBO, what the hell was that? Take some of the millions you gave Simmons and maybe do a couple test runs on melting the ice before you subject 100K people to that abomination of a live feed. Don't get me wrong, I watched it way longer than I should have, but even a die hard such as myself threw in the towel after the second feed went dark. It felt like HBO was going to keep this thing going until the new season actually starts July 16th. Can't wait to see what they do when they tell us when Curb is coming back.

What is the Protocol for Hitting on a Homeless Chick?

For the past year and a half, my commute has brought me through Downtown Crossing. While walking through the corridor that leads to the Ashmont/Braintree platform, I have noticed the rarest of  rare sights: an attractive homeless chick. She sits Indian-style up against the wall facing the stairs that come down from the Orange Line. I have seen her there almost every day for 2 years, except for when she had a baby. But now that her sign reads "Young and Homeless" instead of "Pregnant and Homeless," the question is, what is the protocol for hitting on homeless chicks? Do you just sit down on the ground next to them and start a conversation? I have seen her talking to people before so I know she is capable of holding a conversation. I am guessing she is a runaway and just needs a helping hand/dick. Is it even worth it to hit on a homeless girl? If she is like most every other girl I have tried to fuck, she will reject me. Getting turned down by a girl who uses cardboard as a pillow would definitely put me in the express lane to Blowmybrainsoutville. This girl has some good qualities to her however so a pro/con list is in order for me to decide whether or not I should try and bag the bag lady.

Pro: Easily the hottest homeless chick I have ever seen.
Con: That still only makes her like a regular chick 5. 6 at most.

Pro: Seems to have a freckly face and red hair, quality traits in my book.
Con: Possibility she has not showered in 3 years and has a permanent "rusty" look to her.

Pro: Always has a different book by her side, so she knows how to read.
Con: Could have just stolen the books to use the pages as toilet paper.

Pro: Was once pregnant, so you  know she fucks.
Con: God only knows what happened to that baby.

This is uncharted territory. I don't know of anyone that has ever hit on a homeless chick. There is probably a good reason for that and the fact that this cute little dirty ginger could very well be a baby murderer is enough to keep me away. Also my girlfriend would kill me if I brought home a homeless chick.

Must Find Jenny from White Houses

Last night while I was stuck working, Vanessa Carlton played a show at the Sinclair Theater in Cambridge. Not a big deal in and of itself, but today VC drops a bomb on her Instagram page. Just her and Jenny from White Houses hanging out backstage. To anyone that knows me, my affection for Ms. Carlton and that song in particular is very strong. Say what you want about me, but that song is catchy as fuck and there is something about Vanessa doing ballerina dances while singing about getting dicked down for the first time that gets me going. I have probably heard that song close to a hundred thousand times and have always wondered about the Jenny who does the screaming out while its no pose. Now I know what she looks like and am pissed that I didn't go to the show last night. If you're wondering why her number one fan didn't go its because I saw her a couple years ago in Natick and pretty sure I scared her at the meet and greet afterwards. Not totally positive that my picture wasn't posted somewhere in the Sinclair box office with specific instructions to not let me in. Just kidding, but I did tell her I loved her to her face and nothing that happens in the future with regards to Vanessa will ever top that. Also, like I said, I had to work. Knowing that Jenny probably lives in Boston is a big boost to my chances of actually meeting HER now. So that is my mission. Meet Jenny from White Houses and find out all about what happened that summer many years ago. For all the haters, try to tell me this song isn't catchy as fuck:

 

26 Year Old Nurse Gives 100 Year Old Man a Lap Dance, Promptly Fired

I don't wanna die. I really like living and all the benefits that not being dead provides. On the flip side of that, I don't want to live to be 100 years old either. I have a hard enough time washing my feet in the shower at the age of thirty-eight. I can't imagine moving around gets any easier going forward. The thought of being in a wheelchair unable to move, staring blankly into space with a nurse force feeding me apple sauce and prune juice is unbearable. I say just put me out of my misery around eighty-seven. Its a long life, but not too long that your body totally betrays you and you start pooping yourself again. I am going to tell my future children that instead of changing my diaper they can just put a bullet in my head.Once life comes full circle I am out. However, if I am unfortunate enough to live to the ripe old age of one-hundred, I hope this ladys grand-daughter is my nurse. Girl was born when the guy was seventy-four and she out there giving lap dances in the nursing home. What a hero. Shame on the people who are mad at this women. They say in the article the man indicated he was not interested in the lap dance. It was something, "he didn't want at all." I call bullshit. They don't say how he indicated his displeasure which says to me that he probably looked all nervous to the other nurses because he shit his pants while Hotty McNurse is mooning him and pretending to finger bang herself. This nurse should be getting a raise, not a pink slip.

David Price is Going to See James Andrews. That's a Good Sign.

In every group of friends there is one person who, when mentioned, makes everyone groan in disapproval. Whether it is because they are a Debbie Downer, a one-upper or just a straight up dickhead, the mere thought of interacting with this person is downright awful. I imagine that is what its like when athletes are told they need to see Dr. James Andrews. Has any athlete ever gone to see him and received a positive result? Not that I can think of. That's why this story is so goddamn depressing. No way David Price isn't missing the next year plus. He didn't exactly endear himself to Red Sox fans last season but I had high hopes for him this year. Look what Pretty Ricky did his second year in Boston and Porcello doesn't have half the resume that Price does. Not saying I thought he was going to win the Cy Young, but his first season with the BoSox wasn't nearly as bad as people would have you believe. He won 17 games and had a ton of strikeouts and gave Sox fans a glimpse of what he was possible of doing in the middle months of the season. But after his fourth start he had an ERA over 7, and that paved the way for how he was covered the rest of the season. The fact he was awful in his only post season start didn't help matters any. Regardless, here's hoping that the team is just being cautious with their 217 million dollar pitcher, but when manager John Farrell is giving out "We are concerned," quotes, it looks like we won't be seeing Price again until the 2018 season.